Ralph Mellanby Pimp Slaps Bettman

Ralph Mellanby is an established, award-winning, former executive producer of Hockey Night In Canada.

The gentleman may be 73 years of age and look like Marty Feldman from Young Frankenstein, but if I ever meet him, I'll treat him to a surf-&-turf supper and Guinness on tap.

And I promise, it has nothing to do with the fact that his son, and former NHLer, Scott Mellanby, was one of my favorite players as a Flyers fan growing up.

Yesterday, the elder Mellanby, who is promoting his new book Walking With Legends: The Real Stories of Hockey Night In Canada had no problem giving NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman a fresh one across the chops.

In an article in The Windsor Star, my new man-crush had the following to say about Gary Butthead and the fraudulent NHL board of governors...

"Bettman to me is the real problem for hockey."

"He's done so much damage to hockey it may never recover. We don't have time to go through the litany of errors."

"Hockey has never been in worse straits."

"I'm an elder statesman now and I feel at times like a lone voice in the wilderness, but I'm not completely alone. The great minds of the game I talk to agree on these things, but no one is listening at the top."

"We need change at the top I don't see a lot of courage around the board of governors."

"He's taken us too far down this path (into non-hockey markets). I always asked Gary why we were in these places and he'd say for network television. But hockey is a regional game (in the U.S.). That's where its strength is in the U.S."

Well Raphael, like Al Pacino said to Sean Penn in Carlito's Way: "If you was a broad, I'd marry you!" At 73, you may consider yourself an elder statesman, but rest assured hockey fans of all ages across North America who have ever cared about this great game, AGREE WITH YOU and feel your pain.

And I am glad Mellanby clumped the NHL board of governors into the Knucklehead category as well, because when the Coca Cola strips the paint off the boat, it's the greedy owners who are calling the shots.

While we all want to drop Bettman off in downtown Fallujah with a "bin Laden smells worse than the NY Rangers" sign around his neck, our boy Gary is simply a puppet, and a despised one at that.

I could go on and on rehashing the ways Bettman & co. have hurt the great game of hockey but I already took one Nexium today.

However, I look forward to reading Ralph's interpretation in Walking With Legends. Besides, it's always good to see someone else in the hockey community blast Commissioner Clueless like Chris Chelios has in the past.

Tonight couldn't have been better... I got to watch the Flyers spank the Pens like Ike did Tina, and blog about Ralph Mellanby's public right hook to Gary Bettman's chin, reminiscent of his son's KO of Quebec's Jeff Jackson when hockey was at its best...

[WATCH MELLANBY PUT JACKSON TO SLEEP]

-- TGOJ

Swiss Miss or Swiss Army Knife?

Time to shine the light on a guy that quite possibly could be the most disrespected player in the entire NHL: MARTIN GERBER.

Look at his FOUR NHL Seasons:

1. Giggy was the man during his first two seasons in ANA. He was a capable back up as they made their cup run.

2. He moved to Carolina, started 57 games, won 38, and led them to the playoffs where he lost his starting gig to Cam Ward as the Canes Won the Cup.

3. He moved to Ott where he stumbled a bit out of the gate last season and lost his job to Emery, though he did win 10 of his last 11 starts. If Ottawa was so sold on Emery going into last season, WHY DID THEY EVEN SIGN GERBER?

Martin Gerber has now WON 10 of his 11 starts this season. He has been to the Finals in three of the past four seasons. Everyone complains about his salary but the 3.7 mil is only bad for a goalie that doesn't play. How can you think he is not a better bang for the buck than Khabby at $6.75 mil, Kolzig at $5.45 mil, or Roloson at $3.5 mil (and 38 years old). Heck, even Colorado has a $6 mil backup goalie.

Look at his numbers too...

NEVER has had a GAA above 2.78 in his Four-plus seasons.

NEVER has had a Sv. Pct. below .906.

After tonight's win he has now won 63 of his last 94 starts, and that includes his 5-9 start last year. Big Stage? What about the 2006 Winter Olympics when Gerber was in net against Canada and made 49 saves in a 2-0 victory?

All this from a guy that pretty much did not have a job if Emery doesn't need offseason surgery. His salary makes him nearly un-tradable, and Ottawa better thank their lucky stars they have such a solid netminder.

Da H8R

Parros The Porn Star

It’s hard to miss the 6’5” George Parros when he’s out on the ice for the Anaheim Ducks with his long hair blowing in the wind and manly mustache that puts Burt Reynolds’ to shame.

Last year when the Ducks won the cup and each player was getting the chance to hoist and kiss the cup, Parros took the liberty of rubbing his mustache [SEE PIC] all over the holy grail of hockey. He has 18 fights in his last two seasons and this year he shows no signs of slowing down with 4 already.

The most notable one this season was against the boogeyman himself, Derek Boogaard. He was able to beat the Minnosoata heavyweight and even cut him open. Parros' past bouts were against some of the best veteran goons in the league including Donald Brashear and Chris Simon.

With the Ducks winning the cup last year and also having the most fights, Parros is helping to bring fighting back to this game. George, however, is not just all about the blood and fisticuffs, he also has a softer side.

Each year he grows his hair out and cuts it for Locks of Love, an organization that makes wigs for kids with cancer. Just imagine, there's some little kid out there rocking a George Parros wig.

This 80’s porn star has become such a fan favorite that the Ducks now sell replica Parros mustaches. The proceeds of which also go towards charity. This season as opposing teams come into Anaheim to face the defending champs, they need remember one thing...

FEAR THE STACHE!

Steve Downie Makes Impact In AHL Return

The man; the myth; the legend, Steve Downie may be out of the NHL until the new year, but he returned to the ice tonight as a member of the Philadelphia Phantoms. Steve "Don't Call Me Dastardly" Downie wasted no time making an impact for the Flyers AHL affiliate in his grand return.

Before the game was 5 minutes old, Downie already registered 2/3rd's of a Gordie Howe hat trick, netting an assist and a fight. Downie finished the night with 2 points and a bare-knuckle brawl during a 3-0 Philly win over the Worcester Sharks.

FREE DOWNIE!

-- TGOJ

Blizzard of OZ

Time to give props to another under appreciated and often overlooked NHL star. Goalies that win Stanley Cups are usually given a free ride from criticism. Just look at Khabby and Cam Ward in the past several seasons.

In Detroit, Chris Osgood was the 54th overall draft pick and third goalie selected in 1991. Chris won 23 games his rookie year but Detroit still dealt for Mike Vernon following that season. Following the strike, he backed up Vernon as the Wings were swept in the finals by the Devils. The next year he won a career best 39 games and was the second goalie to ever shoot a puck into an opposing teams net. He backed up Vernon as the Wings won the cup the year after that. Vernon was dealt and Osgood led the wings to their second Cup in a row with a sweep of the Capitals. The Wings then acquired Hasek and Osgood was ushered out of town when claimed on waivers by the Islanders.

After his two-year stint in New York, he moved on to St. Louis for two seasons. Even after winning 31 games with a 2.24 GAA with St. Louis, his contract was not renewed by them. Chris came back to Detroit to back up Hasek for under a million dollars a year. He appeared in 32 games last year, winning 20, but did not appear in the playoffs and was a back up for the Dominator's apparent Swan Song.

Which brings us to this season...

Dominik Hasek is 40-whatever. The chances of him holding up again health wise were pretty slim. Jimmy Howard, the Wing's Prize Goaltending prospect, is Not Quite Ready to be the man yet. This all meant that Osgood had to be ready to shine. And shine he has.

With Dom shelved with a bum hip, Ozzie was kept the Wings at the top of the NHL standings. He is 7-0 with a 1.43 GAA out of gates this year and his road wins against Edmonton, Vancouver, and Calgary in the last FIVE DAYS marks the first time in 21 attempts that the Red Wings took all three games of a trip to western Canada.

• In 13+ seasons he has never had a GAA above 3.00






• Six times has won 30 or more games in a season






• 43 Career Shutouts






• 45 Career Playoff Wins in 87 Games Played






• 10 Career Playoff Shutouts with a LIFETIME Playoff GAA of 2.24






• Two Cup Wins

That says it all. Quiet, unassuming CHRIS OSGOOD continues to be THE MAN. He is right there with that non-descript Glenn Healy/Wendell Young style mask and just makes the saves. Detroit is going to need him to continue his stellar play if this is to be the end of the Dominator.

Da H8R

Hockey Night In Canada

It's Saturday and hockey is in the air tonight like Phil Collins. Habs vs. Leafs is the main event this evening. Thanks to NHL Center Ice, this Philadelphian can partake in a Canadian Saturday night tradition, Hockey Night in Canada... and it doesn't get better than the Maple Leafs battling the Habs in Montreal.

This game should no doubt be a dandy. The Canadiens put a beat down on my Flyers the other night so I am hoping they get thudded 6-2 on home ice. I want those salty Habs fans to exit the Bell Centre and flock St. Catherine street in large numbers for an extra-special Saturday night drinking binge.

I can see it now... disgruntled Habs fans sitting elbow-to-elbow in the pub, talking about the great Montreal teams of yester-year:

Habs fan #1: "Man, these Leafs are a bitch!"

Habs fan #2: "Mon ami, we will return to greatness!"

Habs fan #3: "Remember Rick Chartraw and Doug Jarvis?"

Habs fan #4: "Ya, those were the days, eh?!"

-- TGOJ

Speaking of Halloween

Damn JAGS... what's up with your grill, son? Apparently Jaromir is taking Halloween to extremes this year... [SEE PIC]

-- TGOJ

Leave Wallpaper Jones Alone, Son

All you dopes (yeah, you know who you are Scott Burnside from ESPN) better leave Randy "Wallpaper" Jones alone. To even think that Wallpaper intentionally tried to disfigure Patty Bergeron with a vicious hit from behind is foolish... or downright silly, in fact.

Just look at my boy Wallpaper posing with a fan... you mean to tell me this chummy cat is capable of taking extreme measures like ex-cons Downie and Boulerice? Not.

Wallpaper is simply a grown gentleman trying to live his life. Unfortunately, he's being preyed on by hockey beat hacks who want to rehash the legend of the Broad Street Bullies so they have something of interest to scribble. You want to attack Downie and Boulerice with your pen, go for it, but don't rip the Wallpaper.

-- TGOJ

Hat Trick-or-Treat Biznitches

With Halloween right around the corner, one can only fathom if cinema horror icon, Freddy Kruger, was inspired by my dawg, and hockey hall of famer, Cy Denneny.

One of the better left wingers back in the day (1920's), Denneny's shot was rumored to be as deadly as Bobby Englund's scissorhands. Fred-KrUg looks tight rockin' the candy stripes, and no doubt, would've been a main contributor on those legendary Ottawa Silver Seven teams...

-- TGOJ

Cory Stillman

Is there a more under-appreciated Skill Player in the league than Cory Stillman? Tampa and Carolina can definitely attest to his value on their respective clubs. As one of the few players in NHL history that has won a Cup in back-to-back years with different teams he still flies under the radar. Both teams relied on the unheralded Stillman during their cup runs. He averaged over a point-per-game in those back-to-back seasons and was invaluable in the playoffs. He had 7 points in 21 games in a complimentary role with the Lightning. He followed that up with 26 points with nine goals, of which 3 were game winners, in 25 games during the Hurricanes run.

His injury-shortened season last year was as much to blame for the Canes missing the playoffs as any other excuse. He missed the first three games of the 07-08 season as Carolina came out of the gate 1-1-1.

Since he returned to the lineup, the Canes have gone 5-0-2. His valuable leadership and timely scoring have helped to balance Carolina's solid forward lines. In his 7 appearances, Stillman has 10 points with half coming with the man advantage, including 3 of his 4 goals.

His 4 goals have him second on the team even having missed 3 games already and with talented playmakers, Justin Williams and Rod Brind'Amour setting them up, Eric Staal and Cory should notch career high goal totals.

Before last years injury shortened season, Stillman had topped 21 goals in 7 of the previous 8 seasons with a high of 27 two times. With a veteran defense corps, a deep solid forward unit, and Cam Ward's steady maturation, the Hurricanes seem to be definite factor in the Eastern Conference playoff race and could even make another run at their second Cup in three years.

Da H8R

The Melrose/Tortorella Hybrid

If Barry Melrose and John Tortorella had a baby...

Flyers Start The Season Swinging

The Philadelphia Flyers may have been the laughing stock of the NHL in 2006-07, but after an offseason of retooling, the Broad Street Bullies have come out swinging early on. In the preseason, the Flyers looked as impressive on the fight card as they did on the score sheet. The new and improved Fly Boys did damage, scorers and pugilists alike, putting pucks in the net and opponents on stretchers. A pair of lengthy, 20-plus game suspensions to yahoos Jesse Boulerice and Steve Downie may have stole the ink at first, but excellent goaltending from Marty Biron and a more balanced offensive attack early in the regular season are the reasons the Flyers make headlines with each passing game.

Biron, or "Gaston" as he is referred to these days, looks like the solid goalie the Flyers have coveted for years between the pipes. Not since the crazed Mr. Bean (Roman Cechmanek) have the Flyers had a spectacular netminder capable of stealing games. This season Biron reminds me of Cechmanek-depressive during his good year(s), minus the Riddalin and uni-brow of course.

On offense, youngsters Mike Richards and Jeff Carter look legit, and offseason prize Daniel Briere has gelled nicely with Simon Gagne on the top scoring line. In fact, there hasn't been such an impressive French-Canadian duo in Philly since the Fabulous Rougeau Brothers tangled with Barry Horowitz and Steve Lombardi at the Spectrum in February of 1988.

On the blue line, heart-and-soul leader Jason Smith has been a rock and the rest of the defense has played poised and controlled hockey. So far the Flyers are playing some damn good hockey and look like a force to be reckoned with this season.

-- TGOJ

Toothless Tenacity

There are a few fashion statements that are synonymous with hockey players: the grizzly lumberjack look of Bryan Marchment and Jason Smith; the grey playoff beards of Scott Niedermayer and Ray Bourque; and the long hair blowing in the wind of Guy Lafleur and Gil Perreault.

These looks have been copied by many players, but it seems that more players in the NHL should take a page out of the books of the toothless Paul Stastny and Dany Heatley.

With both players missing teeth and their early season success, you have to ask yourself if there is a connection. They are threatening to set a trend that has dentists and oral surgeons sulking like Alex Cherepanov on draft day.

The toothless look makes players look mean and nasty. Lifelong instigator Tie Domi intentionally knocked his own pearly whites out as a child on the handle bars of his huffy in order to look like his idol and famous toothless warrior, Bobby Clarke.

The missing chiclet look appears to give these players superhuman ability. The 21 year old Stastny as of 10/18/07 is tied for the lead in points with 13 including 5 goals in 6 games. Dany Heatley already has 7 goals and 11 points in 7 games. These two toothless young guns will be putting on show all season long.

Trash Truck Time

Da Blues, Blackhawks, Predators, Blue Jackets, Desert Dogs, Oilers, Habs, Stars, Bruins and Hurricanes are ALL GARBAGE.